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11/16（日本語は後に続きます）

The weather in New England has been gray and dark, and it is affecting my mood a lot. I have had difficulty dealing with cold and dark weather every year, maybe because I was born in a subtropical climate in Japan (My home town’s latitude is as south as Georgia.) However, it is affecting me more than usual this year, probably because of the monotony of my life with no apparent improvement in my eating training and gaining stamina. All in all, it is accurate to say that I am feeling quite low, and suffering from the post-operation- depression, in spite of the fact that I worked on an interpretation assignment successfully for an institutional investor last Friday.

The client was satisfied with my performance, I imagine, because he wanted my name card for the next opportunity, and asked me to keep the confidential presentation material for the future.

Even though it was only a 3-hour assignment, it was exhausting, and my incision started hurting very badly, and I had trouble controlling my cough. Rather than elated with satisfaction, I was convinced that I could not work for at least for another month, and wondered if it is possible to continue doing this line of work in the future.

Fearing that I am losing my optimism, I had Mark check out “It’s Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life” by Sally Jenkins from the library, the book about Lance Armstrong who has won the Tour de France six times after conquering the terminal stage testicular cancer. It was a very-easy-to-read book, and I could empathize with him a lot. But what I got from the book is that I have to go through this depressing and lonely part of my journey by myself; Lance himself went through the period when he simply played golf, not knowing at all whether he wanted to make a comeback.

This reminds me of the “grief cycle” theory; when facing a loss and life changes, people go through four stages: shock & denial; anger, resentment & depression; coping; and acceptance and moving forward. Where have I been and where am I now?

I was tremendously optimistic and forward looking right after the hospital discharge, because I was still in shock and denial; I accepted the interpretation assignment when I was doped up with narcotic pain killer. Now the anger and resentment have sunk in. I am angry because my body is still full of chemicals from the chemotherapy, anesthesia, and painkillers, and feeling the effects. I am angry because people assume that I am now back to my old self. I am angry because patients who suffer other types of cancer can keep working at least part-time, because their treatment is not concurrent chemo/radiation. I am angry because people only praise the forward looking and courageous mentality and behavior, and do not appreciate the necessity to weep and curl in the fetal position (and simply think that you should go see a shrink.) I am angry because this monotonous eating training seems to stretch on forever, at least for a half year. I am angry because I still cannot drive. I am angry because nothing tastes good, and I have to cook for myself. I am angry because I do not have agility and energy to pick up and clean up the mess in the house….

When you are stuck and cannot find significant changes internally, changes can be forced from outside. My oncologist told me yesterday to stop using the J-tube for a few days, because they did not find any problems in the modified barium swallow test; food is going where it should go, and the discomfort I am feeling is nothing unusual for the patient who went through the esophagectomy. He thinks that it is best to take out the J-tube as soon as possible because I have had it for such a long time, and actually I have been experiencing pain around it inside the intestine.

I have been feeding myself between 1 can and 1 1/4 cans for the past few days, because of the difficulty maintaining my weight. No matter how much (I thought) I ate, my weight kept going down. His advice was “ do not eat too healthy”: I tend to eat low carbo, protein rich and vegetable centered meals, which is not too beneficial when you need to gain weight. I need to eat like a professional bike rider before the race; a lot of carbohydrates. I will see whether I can maintain my weight without the J-tube intervention.

Another small change in my life; A few days ago, I stopped taking the pain medicine all together; Tylenol and Ibuprofen. It was difficult to stop because it was one of the rare comforts I had, and was like fighting with the addiction, I imagine.