■

5/22/06

Today I had a CAT scan, the first test in a series of upcoming examination. I will take copies of these films to Mr. O., a surgeon, with whom I will have a consultation on Wednesday, and who may perform a surgery on me eventually.

CAT scans are easy, or so I assumed. Invasive treatment, non-invasive treatment, innovative imaging technologies…how many times in the past I converted those words into Japanese as though I knew something about them in my interpretation assignments!

Yes, CAT scans are nothing, and non-invasive. For the first time in my life, however, I realized how many chemicals you have to ingest simply for imaging. I need to put more foreign objects in my body for a PET scan, needless to say for chemotherapy. For the first time I really understand why a friend of mine opted for Chinese holistic therapy over western medicine for her lung cancer treatment.

The copies of the film are now sitting in our dark living room, waiting to be fetched on Wednesday morning for a consultation appointment. A secret, a key, good news, or a devastating fact is hiding in the envelope. With hesitation I pick one film to see if I can find any sign, while feeling blessed and relived that I cannot understand anything.

This must be what Dr. S., my oncologist, meant, when he said, “ This is the most worrying time, and you may not able to sleep,” handing me a sleeping pill prescription.

Right now I do not know what to eat. Some say that you should lower your metabolism to slow down the spread of cancer cells, while others say that I have to eat well and gain weight to battle the disease. For today, I settled on brown rice, cod, steamed asparagus, and tomato soup; a happy medium. I wish I had fanatical faith or a stubborn principle about what to do. But I know that I will continue worrying, forced to make difficult decisions, and making some mistakes, as I have done so far with my life; nothing is new here.

It was utterly beautiful today. Even though it was a bit too breezy, the sun was everywhere. I took a walk during the afternoon then took a 30 minutes nap without hesitation. For the first time in my life I felt I was entitled to take a nap.

There were so many “first times” today.

For comments: lincicome@charter.net