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6/25/06

I am looking at a heap of pebbles in the plate.

It may sound funny, but I never felt upset or angry about the cancer. In a quiet way, I feel that this is the way life manifests itself with me. It maybe unfair in a certain way, but I feel that life/fate has a very peculiar way to intervene with each individual. In my case, it simply happened to be this. It does not mean that I am not scared at all. I am scared of the physical pain, or nausea, and I am very apprehensive about my upcoming chemo/radiation, not to mention the big surgery waiting ahead. I need some security blanket.

On Saturday, we invited four couples whom Mark and I love and admire for their wisdom, and had a small ceremony, following the suggestion in the book Kitchen Table Wisdom by Rachel Remen, M.D. She recommends that friends and families get together before chemotherapy or big surgery:

Every participating member brings a small rock or pebble. They sit in a circle, and talk about the time when they faced a crisis, such as the loss of the loved one or financial problems, and then talk about how they dealt with the crisis. Some may say it was through faith, and other may say it was with humor. They give the rock to the patient, naming the strength they survived the crisis with. Thus, the heap of pebbles is created.

The strength and wisdom that those people gave was something I already had in my mind as budding. But what they said watered and nurtured the budding enough to grow it into a solid tree with a strong trunk, numerous branches, and thick leaves. I appreciated their generosity to share their private thoughts, love, and compassion.

After the ceremony, we had a wonderful vegetarian potluck dinner of cucumber soup, potato and cod casserole, grilled sermon, salad, and spicy Indian rice. They were all delicious, and the conversation was extremely funny. Who could imagine that one of our guests, a professor at my husband’s college, once had to catch a fish for dinner because he was penniless the first month when he got a job…..

It was a wonderful night.