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7/9/06

Concerted Effort

Since the diagnosis of the cancer, the most troubling thing has been how to break the news to my parents, who are in their 70s.

As everyone of my generation feels, parents get smaller and weaker every time you see them (particularly since I see them only once a year.) Even though you trust that they have wisdom and strength that they have cultivated over the years, you do not want to harm them with bad news.

I am not quite sure how the cancer is announced in Japan today. When I was young, there was a debate whether it is wise to tell the patient the truth, because it is like a death sentence (I am pretty certain things are different now.)

That sort of understanding of cancer, however, still holds true among my parents’ generation. Also, my mother has been suffering from a mild case of Alzheimer’s disease for the past couple of years. My father, who was raised as the eldest son in a male chauvinistic culture, has turned into a caregiver, and is struggling in that role.

My mom was a fairly optimistic person (I am sorry to use the past tense here), who often used to chuckle and criticize her over-worrying husband. Even though her perspective often incensed my dad, they were well balanced in a unique way. But my father does not have a partner who can balance his pessimism now.

One of my choices was not to tell them at all. But would I like that if I were them? No!
They would feel hurt . But what is the best way to break the news in the most positive way possible? Without being able to form a plan, the time has passed.

Suddenly about 10 days ago, my brother who lives in Yokohama made a plan to visit my parents with his son. Thanks to him, we decided on the concerted steps to inform them; after breakfast on Sunday (9th), another brother who lives in our hometown would visit my parents; they would break the news and explain the situation; then I would call from the U.S. and talk to my parents.

When I called them last night at about 9:00. My father was very calm, and said that he was very surprised to learn about the cancer, and that he understands that I am in good hands. It sounded that my brothers shared the excerpt of my blog.

I know that the magnitude of the news will hit him after my brothers have gone home. But I believe that he has a strength that can sustain him.